How to Take a Break from Your Relationship

Don’t be Ross and Rachel- Be Clear on the Rules For Taking a Break!

When you get to the point where you decide to take a break from your relationship, you are probably NOT feeling super calm. You are not in the best place to make good decisions. You may not even be able to use a civil tone, or to speak through the crying.

So now here you are, taking a break. But what does that even mean?

You’re pretty sure that the deal is that neither one of you talks to other people during your break, but what about that Insta photo where that cute girl is hanging all over him. He doesn’t exactly look like he’s pushing her away.

You’re driving yourself crazy thinking about what is happening—your brain in spinning out and you want to make it STOP!

Here are some things you can do right now to feel better about the break:

1.Define the Parameters

What are the “rules” for your break? Make sure they are clear, concise, and explicit. Give them a call, send an email or text, or arrange a time to meet and discuss this. Believe me, you may be sure you both are on the same page right now, but unless you made an explicit agreement, there is plenty of wiggle room should the occasion arise.

Here are some things to consider:

·      Are you going to wait to see other people?

·      Which friends are you going to tell or not tell, and when?

·      What about families? Does it matter if they tell their parents or siblings? Think about how much you want their families to know about your troubles if you eventually get back together.

·      If you work together, this is especially tricky. Be sure you are both clear on your expectations for what things will look like at work.

·      How will you handle social events that you both attend while on the break?

·      What about social media? Does it matter who posts what while you are on your break?  Maybe you want to agree to block each other during the break to avoid hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

·      Will you have check-in’s every week or two, or no communication at all?

·      Will you have a meeting in a week or two to talk about what you each need from the other in order to end the break and go back to working on your relationship? (This is a great idea—see point #2!)

·      What about any planned events that you already have tickets for? Will one of you sell your ticket to the other? Will you sell both tickets? Will you still go together? (This is a minefield—try to avoid it!)

·      What about any holidays or birthdays that are coming up? Will you have different rules for communication on those days?

·      When will you discuss whether you will get back together or not?

2.Clarify What You Need to See in Order to Get Back Together

Time Frame:

How will you know when the break is over? Hopefully you have set a time frame for your break, so that it doesn’t seem endless and nebulous. If you haven’t, you probably would benefit from making that decision. If your partner won’t discuss this with you, then decide for yourself a comfortable time frame and aim for having some resolution by then.

Concept:

It is important to remember that you would be getting back together to work on your relationship—it will still be “on probation”. You need to see if you can really build the healthy relationship you want and deserve.

If you decide to get back together just because you realize that you “really do love each other”, but you aren’t taking any steps to make some significant changes in your relationship dynamic, then things will be no better than they were before your break, and it will probably have all been for naught.

Details:

How will you know if you should get back together and keep working on your relationship, or if it is not worth it and you should both move on? Take some time to think about what went wrong in your relationship.

Often you can ask a close friend or family member for a more objective window on what your relationship looks like from the outside. That might be enough to help you determine the critical changes that need to be made in order for both of you to be happy in the relationship.

Working with a therapist can make this part SO much easier! Therapists have the experience, knowledge, and insight to help you pinpoint the important issues pretty quickly, and then to help you figure out the steps to implement the changes that are necessary.

Once you know what the specific issues are, you are ready to make your own list of what it would take to know that it’s worth trying again. Here’s a good rule of thumb:

·      You both understand the unhealthy dynamic, and you can each take responsibility for your own role in that dynamic.

·      You both acknowledge and understand the effect your own behavior has had on the other. i.e., you are both able to see how and why the other person was hurt in the past.

·      You are both willing to work on changing your own behavior in order to improve the relationship. Each of you `should be able to speak specifically about what you are going to do differently. Here are some examples of what that might look like:

“I am working with a therapist to understand why I have trouble expressing my emotions, and to be able to express them more openly.”

“I am taking an anger management class to work on being able to express my anger more appropriately”

“I am willing to go to couples therapy to work on being able to understand each other’s feelings.”

“I am willing to set regular times to practice discussing our feelings, and I am willing to listen to you without getting defensive and without passing judgement.”

“I am willing to set regular times to discuss the issues you and I have been avoiding, and to listen to your concerns with an open mind.”

“I have been setting reminders, making lists and checking them regularly, and following up on things, in order to be more reliable.”

3.Build a Life Outside of Your Relationship

Often when people couple-up they start to withdraw from their separate friendships. If you have ever been the one who is not partnered up, you will definitely know what I mean!

When your relationship is rocky, it may be scary to think of all the emptiness that would be left in your life if you were to break up. In fact, a lot of people stay in unhealthy relationships for this very reason.

It’s always a good idea to maintain some separate friends and activities when you are part of a couple, but it’s especially important if you are taking a break, or even thinking of taking a break (or else why would you be reading this, right?). Connecting to other people is instrumental in fighting off the depression that often accompanies breakups and breaks.

If you have let your separate social life slide, now is a good time to re-ignite it. It can be tough to make new friends, even in a big city like Los Angeles, where I live. I hear all the time from clients that it can be very lonely if you don’t already have a group of friends here from growing up or going to college nearby.  Here are some ideas for building your social life back up:

1.     Look up old friends and set up a happy hour, brunch, or dinner date.

2.     Join a sports team or club

3.     Take a class—cooking and pottery are some of my client’s favorites

4.     Volunteer

5.     Ask a co-worker to lunch or drinks after work

6.     Look up your local alumni group and see what activities you might join

7.     Join a book club

8.     Join a MeetUp.

9.     Sign up for a community garden

10.  Join a church or faith-based community

What Are the Things to Avoid During a Break?

Pitfall #1. Drunk texting or dialing.

If you easily fall into this trap, make sure that when you go out drinking you have a buddy on the lookout and ready to snatch your phone away temporarily when you are tempted to act impulsively.

Pitfall #2. Hanging out… just this once.

Don’t hang out just because you’re lonely. You can survive being lonely. Really, you can! If you set a precedent for hanging out without any commitment to change, you will never see any change.

That being said, no judgement if you do this. We have all done it before. When you get absolutely tired of not seeing any positive change, it will be worth it to you to stop hanging out. Some of us have a higher tolerance for this than others. Be patient with yourself!

Pitfall #3. Social Media

Do not, and I mean do NOT, check their social media—even just this once. No good is going to EVER come of that. Trust me, just don’t.

Need Some Extra Support While Going Through A Break or a Breakup??

It’s HARD to fix your relationship on your own!! Most people can really benefit from the support of a therapist when they are going through a break and trying to sort things out. If that sounds like it might be a good idea for you, give me a call at 323-999-1537, or shoot me an email at amy@thrivetherapyla.com, to set up your FREE consultation—either on the phone or in my office, whichever you prefer. I want you to start as soon as possible to build the healthy relationship you want and deserve!